Hazel’s World

Trapped in the confines of my box

I feel listless with nowhere else to go

Dreams seem unreachable

Goals a mile away

but to do what must be done…

to take on challenges…

to climb not just a stairway

but to reach my Everest

and to see the view from where I’ll stand

Will I be able to make it?

Someday, somehow

I believe that I can

I know that I will…

Where am I going again?

Oh right…

I’m still lost…

Until I find my way

See you at the peak, my friend

Will you be there?

(Finally! My blog is back to its old self)

This is just but a glimpse of my darker side. I would just like to share with you a poem made by an Irish friend. Wala lang.. I’ll hide his name under risingwind.

laughing with joy at what hope brings

we bathe in the depths of a timeless soul

our eyes so open and yet so closed

do we live for life or for what life may give?

can we change the distance we must travel?

or is the world the oyster of our fragmented shell?

can we love all we meet without misunderstanding

of emotions getting in the way of what we can achieve?

do we want to strive or strive to want?

is it a collective or a single ball of light fading in the darkness?

do we look on fools as mirrors of ourselves or on ego as what

we might be if we could stay out of our own way?

light shines down destroying the shadows of the past

and the wind blows from the north and with its  purity

cleanses all in its path leaving in its wake a new dawn.

crying angels with harps of gold hold the fortitude of empty lives

upon their silver wings and with compassionate smiles they revile

in the disharmony for they know what they must do.

time passes, man fights man destroying women and child

knowing that life cannot by sustained but still they revel

in glory as they stand alone

dysfunction, disharmony, chaos in the midst of fear

where is the light?

is it dimming or just futher out of reach?

~risingwind~

To my foreign readers, (hahaha! As if meron) if I may be excused to speak in my native tongue =p

I’m so into 80’s movies right now… Yung tipong Back to the Future I, II & III, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Pretty in Pink, Chances Are, and the ultimate 80’s kilig movie Some Kind of Wonderful (which reminded me of our all original Beta, VHS & VCD versions -may DVD kaya nito?) At mind you, pinakahanap-hanap pa ng ate kong si Queen Latifah ang official soundtrack nireh-wala syang nakuha kundi tape! Ayun super gasgas na to the max.

Para na nga akong ulol pag tumutugtog na yung "I Go Crazy (When I’m without you…)" and "Turn to the Sky (I don’t know, I don’t know, looooove won’t pass you by…)" with matching 80’s dance steps ha pero not naman going overboard by wearing Converse pink ankle high rubber shoes na pinag agawan pa namin ni ate Queen Latifah sa balikbayan box na padala ng tita kong asa New York. (Wag ka, ang nauwi sakin L.A. Gear).

Maybe it just reminded me of a time when I was 10 (Yes, I was 10 during this movie, 1987 kaya, haller!) Yun bang tipong wala pa kong problema sa buhay at di pako marunong mangopya sa katabi, laru-laro lang kami ng slide sa steps ng chapel ng St. Paul, hihintayin ang bell na mag ring para makauwi na at pag dating naman sa aming munting tahanan sa Tambo Parañaque e isasalang na ang either "Some Kind" or "Over the Top" naming beta tape. (David Mendenhall of Over the Top was so cute at that time Note-David Mendenhall ha, hindi Hasselhoff) Go forward naman four years and it was Terminator 2 (Edward Furlong was my ultimate crush back then, pumapangalawa si Eric Fructuoso ng guwapings hahahaha!). Don’t tell me hindi kayo naging Guwapings fan ever! Mga plastic!

…

Haaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy

*Reminder-25 days to go before my blog goes spring time

Mga Maxi-Friends, and those who made a voluntary exit sa bahay ni kuya (na ngayon ay pagmamay-ari na ni ate), I would just like to share a blog by my ever feisty assistant *Grey. (Coz she reminds me of the actress Jennifer Grey and she keeps on denying that she somehow resembles her).

Malamang you know who the DOM is. As in KingDOM animalia ang pinanggalingan nito kung bakit sobrang bilib na bilib sya sa sarili nya. Check out her reply (in bold). Wala nakong inedit dito because this was the way she has written it baka sa kalasingan o sa puyat kaya dun sa mga magbabasa at mag mo-mock lang ng ibang grammatical error, nobody’s perfect, leche!

—–Original Message—–
From: "KING KUPA"* [mailto:king.kupa@MYCOMPANY.com.ph*]
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 2:50 PM
To: GREY’S EMAIL*
Subject:

Hi. I hope you’re doing great and feeling okay.  (what after getting this email? you have got to be out of your mind) Well, It’s been a while now since I e mailed you and expressed my intentions (yup, it has been a while, i agree. I actually thought your father, the prince of darkness, has finally asked you to stop roaming earth and get back down there in that towering inferno). It was a difficult decision to make considering the circumstances (***i heard that a reptile’s brain is the size of a pea. no wonder decision making must have caused you a debilitating migraine) I am fully aware of your inhibitions (wow, he must have scanned the entire thesaurus to find this word) and I feel the same (what? you also feel extreme disgust and fright when you look in a mirror? If yes, then, i totally agree… I feel the same way) … I share the same feelings as yours (sick to your stomach and near to calling a voodoo doctor to cast a spell on you? because that is EXACTLY how im feeling)… reluctant as well (so much for wishful thinking)… nonetheless, fear of rejection and inhibitions will not stop me from expressing my intentions for you (ay, hindi obvious, ah!). Though it’s tough (kasing kunat ng balat mo, gurang), might be painful (i’d prefer an open heart surgery without anaesthesia than to be in the same room as you), difficult … i will try and will do my very best to prove my worth (you have already proven your worth. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING). I just wish that you will not doubt me and my feelings (HELLO?!? What is wrong with you, You effing maggot?!?). You can doubt me for the things that i have done, my experiences (huh? DI tayo close ha! pakialam ko kung anong napagdaanan mo.) but please never doubt my intentions for you (ano bang feeling mo? MU tayo???). I only have the purest intentions of you (kasing puro ng burak, kasing linis ng taong grasa… you have a family, for crying out loud!)… please believe me (ulol)… Its breaking my heart feeling that you are just ignoring my mails (buti nga sayo) … I haven’t recieved any response from you (helloooooo! una, RECEIVED yun hindi RECIEVED… basic spelling di alam. pangalawa, talagang wala kang marereceive na response sa akin, bwakanangsyet ka, dahil derecho sa basurahan ang mga emails mo. )… its ruining me learning that you’re having second thoughts bout me (anong second thoughts? wala ngang FIRST thought ano!?!)... All I need is an opportunity (wag kang magtatangka… bibigwasan kita)… please give me that chance to show you my sincerity… my worth… I would like you to know me better and me to really establish myself (nagawa mo na… at hindi ka nakakatuwa. letse!). Please dont be mad at me… (I’m not mad… Im beyond mad. i’m enraged, im disgusted, repulsed, … isa kang nakakarimarim na tao! Paksyet ka) Sincerely… (take this from a married guy proposing love to a girl young enough to be his granddaughter)

IN SHORT, PWEDE BANG TANTANAN MO NA AKO???

——————END——————-

Of course she didn’t reply this way. It was just in her blog. Though I wished she’d email this to him before her voluntary exit.

Patawarin mo ko I have to share this. Sobrang funny ka talaga!

Heads up peeps, her mother superior * Kristeta emailed DOM to stop harassing her or else, he will be reported to Management (as if naman hindi pa alam)… Bwahahaha! Buti nga sa kanya!

*Names changed for security reasons =p

Bakit kung minsan ang magulang, di na nakontento. Di ka naman nag da drugs, may mali pa rin sayo. Di kana naman nagpapakapokpok (sana nga nagpakaganito na lang ako e di sin sana an dami pang action sa buhay ko) may mali pa rin sayo. May trabaho kang marangal (pero abusado) at nagbibigay ka naman sa bahay, tatanungin ka kung bat wala kang naiipon. Asa bahay ka na nga at di gumagala, kukulitin ka pa ng ‘linisin mo nga ang kama mo!’( Ma, I’m so sorry I wish I was an OC, really, but I’m not.) Umuuwi ka naman ng tamang oras (3AM), may mali pa rin sayo. Okay, with that sige, mali talaga umuwi ng alas tres ng umaga on a weekday pero at least di nako sumuka sa bahay, yung tanong pa nila na ‘nagyoyosi ka ba?’ with matching excuse na ‘hindi ako! yung mga kasama ko…’ (yeaaahhh right).

And I’m nearing my thirties na ha. Feeling ko I’m still 18.

WHEEERE? WHEEERE IS MY LIBERATOR?!!! Magpakita ka na and whisk me away para magkaroon man lang kulay ang buhay ko.

Sa bagay decades from now when I’m already in Italy (yooo-hooo!) I’m sure I’ll miss these times like hell. Sana lang yung future ombre ko (kelangan balahurain ang wordings, baka binabasa nya) won’t make me gulpe.

P.S. right now, papunta pakong office para mag OT hanggang hapon. When does my life belong to meeeeeehhhh!

There are times na kahit anong pilit mong magpaganda, youre just having a bad day.

After a day and night full of blogging, akakatoryang maghanap ng damit kinabukasan kaya hayun, kung ano na lang ang makalkal sa closet naming gusto nang isuka ang damit namin ni Queen Latifah sa dami.

At! sa sobrang high ng toxicity level, nag mega crayola nako kay Sir Shrek. Pano ba naman, sisihin bako sa ke eng-engan ng ibang department with matching email and personal appearance na nga ang ginawa ko. Responsibilidad ko pa bang tutukan si Bona-kid sa trabajo nya, e di wala nakong nagawa sa buhay ko. Ika nga, ang mikrobyo di dapat bine-baby…

As in ampanget ko talaga kahapon!. Without my ala ‘Nicole Richie’ shades used as hairband, Super Loss.

Ok, angst aside. First, I just want to share a piece of blog from a very good friend. God! She’s one of my supahfriends featured on the Brat Pack pic

*** My brother, in an effort to look "brotherly", gave me an "akbay-kapatid" at the church this evening. But since my brother is known for being "bionic", he ended up giving me the "sideway neck crunch of death". I can no longer crane my neck to the left. Thank you Kuya.

On a serious note, read her brief ‘commentario’ regarding a priest’s sermon at a church she attended

*** Speaking of church, we heard a ‘real’ sermon from the priest this evening, that concerning the "blasphemous" literature of Dan Brown and the irreverent "Gospel of Judas". The topic is not entirely new to us. He has been harping on these so-called ‘demonic’ media, the trend supposedly started by The Last Temptation of Christ. I mean, really? Does the church have to wedge this thought in our head? It makes them sound guilty and paranoid. Dan Brown’s works are labeled as "works of fiction" right from the start. It never aimed to make all Christians turn away from Catholicism. I guess if people’s faith has been swayed, that means its not that strong in the first place. Then whose fault is that? To say that by watching the Da Vinci Code, we in turn are "giving our money to Satan" is ludicrous, if not a direct assault to our better judgment and intelligence. We go to the theater to watch a movie and enjoy ourselves. Its not a ’secret’ meeting to establish a Satanist cult. Instead of calling the readers of Dan Brown’s works Satanist and giving sermons on how we will all burn in hell if we dare to watch the devil’s work, why wont the church do what it does best? Set a good example and teach us how to be good Christians by showing us the way of the Lord.

posted by post-it girl @ 10:33 PM 0 comments

I would loooove to share with you her blogsite but of course, I had to ask permission first. I’m so proud of you kid!

As Jennifer Garner has said, "we are responsible for our own happiness, if you’re unhappy, don’t blame others." As much as I want to retort, "That’s riiiight, Ms. Perfect. You are to say that phrase", I further read that this once ugly duckling was called ‘Liverlips’. That must’ve been awful. ‘

Going back to ‘Happy thoughts’, what if my own happiness for the time being is a person who makes me… well…happy? Which, due to unfortunate circumstances, I have to cut ties with in order to save both our sanities. … Would that make me happier?

The answer for me is a big fat NO. So what the hell is Garner talking about?

Yes, it has something to do with a failed relationship but sorry to disappoint you, it is not on a romantic plane. Funny thing is, it is just a friendship gone sour. I can’t believe I’m hearing myself… just a friendship. Can anyone say that a friendship is ‘just a friendship?’ When we say its just a friendship, do we leave it as merely-just that?

Okay, let me rephrase, if anyone coins that a friendship is ‘just’, does that mean we do not put deeper meaning on friendships? That there are other matters more important to life like romance, career and family? But where do we put ‘friends’ in the shelves of our lives? Perhaps at the top corner gathering dust where we also placed our ’spirituality’.

I haven’t met anyone willing to throw away a good friendship-until now. (Am I talking about myself or the other person?- Hmmm, probably both. ) Like lovers, we oftentimes put a (treasured) friend (among the rest) on such a high pedestal that it shatters us once we realize that they are just a part of an impermanent world. Is it not right to value a friend that much since, based on the cliche’, ‘friends are gifts from God that we need to cherish’? Or maybe, just maybe, since God is a jealous God, that He would rather have us put Him on that podium rather than an imperfect who would one day disappoint us.

I mean, c’mon. I’m all for Jesus’ on forgiving 77×7 but how do you numb yourself to the idea that if you were slapped on the right cheek you give out your left, and then your right again, and then your left… Oh… I just answered my own question. Being slapped more than once makes you numb - but dumb no more.

How do you let go of something (or someone) you have valued and just let that person throw away everything you had to the ‘has been’ waste bin? … For a time, I know and I believed ( or maybe I hoped,) that I have been valued (mental telepathy aside between us). Will that person be another "been" in my life? Still, I can’t stop wondering if that muxe ( a complement-FYI) ever cared.

I have been plagued by this experience over and over and over again since college. Why does this keep on happening to me? Do I have a sign that says ‘Doormat-Wipe your dirt all over my face?’ I’ve lost a friend to money, I’ve lost a friend to an (ex) lover, I’ve lost a friend to a man, and now… How shall I put it- I will lose a friend to… ‘ a forgotten schedule that ballooned into mistrust years afterward which triggered competition over a game to which I have forfeited purportedly to avoid contest and having a difference of wavelength on the point of invites and being invited to a gathering of fools of which have escalated to disrespect by namecalling to another debotched mini-concert of which I have no control of to a misunderstanding over a dumb rumor I didn’t even start and last but not the least on being drunk at a beach party saying things I do not remember (and probably don’t mean as well) and having my favorite picture in the whole wide world deleted from the muxe’s camera (by the muxe) with my drunk video being shown to others a few days after the supposedly private incident without my knowledge until an accident of tales’-and that muxe isn’t even talking to me while they find my video very amusing.

How can I say that such friendship is deep and worth salvaging? When can I say that it ’s truly over? What does God have to say about all these!? Knock-knock! Hello? God, Are you there?

I never thought in my wildest of nightmares that such people exist. The most crippling thought I have right now is that they will always be out there and that I must remain on my guard. To lock my heart and throw away the key in the hopes that the person who finds it is the right one to open it (and not some psychopath who will reap it out again and stomp it wearing a biker boot while the looney laughs and watches me bleed). And I’m just talking bout ‘friendship’ here. I wonder what a devastated marriage would do to me. ‘Lord, please spare me the agony’ (of devastated marriages alone but of marriage-someday, I welcome with open arms).

The sting is as fresh as it is and as I lick my wounds, I think to myself that ten years from now, I’ll look back on this and imagine where that person would be. Hopefully not some light years away but still, it doesn’t change the fact that I felt betrayed. Or maybe I really was.

Will this be another one of those ’star-crossed friendships?’ Is there ever such a phrase? You know, those kind that just passes you by. No longevity, no substance…(I guess now there is). Let not my fear become a reality

Well, that’s just about everything…

(Signing off)